CHRISTMAS 1999

THE JOHNSON ENQUIRER

Apple Valley Home Grows by Four Feet

Yes, it’s true, and you’ve read it here first. That is not all, oh no, that is not all…it also grew by four hands, four arms and four legs and two cute little heads! The Johnson family of Apple Valley, Minnesota adopted two beautiful little twin babies! The babies, named Aidan James and Emily Rebekah, were born in Waco, TX on Sept, 14, 1999. After a marathon stay of 2 ½ weeks in wonderful Waco, the Johnson’s brought their little bundles home to the frozen tundra. This year the Johnson’s have been doubly blessed!


Children Adopt Rat

Three-year-old Nina Johnson and two-year-old Molly Johnson have decided to adopt a pet (fake) rat as their child. Nina and Molly have appropriately named their new child, “Rat Child”. They are excellent parents to Rat Child and only have Mom or Dad baby-sit when they need to chase monsters out of their bedroom (obviously not a job to bring a child to).


Man Emerges from Basement After Two Years

A very pale and tired male emerged from the Johnson family basement early this year and uttered these words, “It’s finished, it’s finally finished!” After picking him up off of the floor Barb Johnson recognized this man as her not often seen husband, Chris. Yes, the Johnson family basement-remodeling job is finally finished and you heard it here first. You will never read about their basement again in a Christmas update.


Truant Child Reported In Apple Valley

Recently, Evan Johnson was sited shopping at Cub with his mother (and a whole bunch of other children) during school hours! Why isn’t this child in school? Enquiring minds want to know! We pressed Mrs. Johnson to explain her son’s truancy and she informed us that Evan is indeed going to school…at home! It appears that Evan is an outstanding first grader at the Johnson Homeschool Academy. Evan reports that his favorite subject is history. Mrs. Johnson enjoys her job as head teacher and principal and she appreciates the extra help pushing the second grocery cart at the store (one for the groceries, one for the kids).

Pick up the next issue of the Enquirer and read about the following….

• Apple Valley House Found Under Enormous Amounts of Laundry

• Barb Johnson Tattoos “Yes, they are all mine” on Her Forehead

Johnson Family Predictions

1. All the Johnson children will grow up to be taller than their parents.
2. Evan will grow up and work for National Geographic Society.
3. Nina will become an activity director on a cruise ship.
4. Molly will win the Miss Congeniality award in the Miss America pageant.
5. Aidan will change his name to Bob after spelling Aidan for the 1 millionth time.
6. Emily’s body will eventually catch up in size to her cheeks